Not Clickbait
by Cornonjacob
Summary: "Shitpost" fics are so uninspired and boring, it's pretty much the equivalent of making a YTP and only using slow stutter loops and pingas. "Hurr durr, I mock RWBY's low hanging fruit and copy paste 「NTR」 for three pages. Comedy gold." If you're going to write stupid garbage, do it right. See how far a joke can be elevated with even a modicum of effort.


This is a very special story about how I became the youngest student admitted to Beacon Academy, and eventually ruled the school.

My name is (you absolutely must remember this) Guanglai Kangyi, age 15. The past month to me has been only graduation tests, in which I naturally excelled. The entrance into Beacon Academy brought really exciting yet not at all worrying days.

That is, until I met these two very special girls.

The first girl was the only other student to be admitted early on for their exceptional skills. Named Ruby Rose, I had her beaten for youngest student ever by a day, as my birthday is October 30th. We quickly became friends, and I was very fond of her as I prefer my women like how I prefer my coffee, underage. And just like my coffee, I would grind her beans into fine powder, get her wet, and then deposit my delicious cream all over her luscious, supple, young body.

Ruby's elder half-sister, Yang Xiao Long, was the second girl and the type of woman I would love to have wipe my ass with her face, perhaps while I peruse the New York Times, Vale's finest newspaper. My phallus would reach down to her sizable breasts, with which she would use to massage my member, but perhaps even her rack, which is among the largest of the female characters of the web animation RWBY produced by the studio Rooster Teeth, would fail to encompass my penis as it is gargantuan. Have I mentioned that my manhood is substantially above the average length and girth? Because it is, and it is very important to the story as I participate in consensual sex many times and I will tell you about it and you will listen or you will perish.

During initiation, I cooked and consumed an ancient Deathstalker and an equally old Nevermore with my trusty George Foreman grill. For this act, I was commended and made leader of my very own team, as those two Grimm would surely have killed the other students. Speaking of which, there was one boy, Jaune Arc I believe his name was, who passed away during initiation before my very eyes. Upon meeting him, he filled me with an irrational and unexplainable hatred for his character. So dire was my loathing of him that I had nary five seconds before truly losing hold of my faculties, during which I stopped time using my Semblance. It was of great fortune that I did, as had I not, our esteemed headmaster Ozpin and his mistress Goodwitch who were monitoring the initiation would surely have seen me tear this Arc fellow's windpipe asunder with my teeth. By the day's end, I had simply told Ozpin that the Grimm had done it and the matter was resolved.

But I digress, his fate is not relevant to my tale. My team at Beacon was named Team GSUS (Pronounced "Team Jesus of Nazareth"). I will now describe the members that my team was composed of. Firstly, Guanglai Kangyi, myself of course. Second was Salamandra Socrates, a salamander faunus woman and also the founder of Western philosophy, her unique reptilian biology would see her unable to sleep at night without me warming her with my abundant urine. Third was Ulysses S. Grant, who confided in me his ambition to become the president of some great nation. And finally, SSSSS Smith, whose first name was pronounced "Kelly", a painfully white girl whose parents had wanted the unique spelling. My teammates were like brothers and sisters to me.

"Parkour!" I shouted as my foot made a sickening impact with Cardin Winchester's face, as he had challenged me to single combat and had called me a homosexual, which made me feel a little insecure. In retaliation, after defeating him with the utmost humiliation, I broke his legs. I seduced his mother and psychologically tormented him with the fact for over a year. His family was torn apart and I had him stripped of his birthright, as I am now his father. I hate my son. This is vital, for it shows my character and integrity, and should make you sympathize with me for contrasting so deeply with a racist bully, and punishing him.

With that out of the way, I believe it is time to move on to the meat of the story. I had been sent on a covert mission for my second year assignment without my team, permitted by Headmaster Ozpin himself who recognized my greatness. When I left Beacon Academy grounds, I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "Fresh" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Nah, forget it, yo Holmes, to the White Fang recruitment drive!"

Over the span of two days, I hunted down every White Fang officer and erased them with my George Foreman grill, the only trace of their existences the masks they wore, which I took as trophies. Unfortunately, during my absence, that deplorable wench Weiss Schnee had wormed her way into my dear Ruby's heart, and I would not stand for this. So I sat down and thought about my options. I decided the most expedient solution to this dilemma was to remove Weiss from relevancy, and to do that, I would damage her mental health until she would be extracted from Beacon Academy and placed in an asylum.

Doing so was surprisingly simple, perhaps because of the existing pressures from her status, her home, and most of all her father. It only took her a few days to crack, which I spent gaslighting her. When nobody was looking, I would spray her with flammable gas. Then I would light her on fire. Whenever she would accuse me of gaslighting her, I would put on one of the White Fang masks I had taken and tell her she was being racist. She protested and protested, pointing out every time the absurdity of the situation and the apparent blindness of everyone else. Her raving only served to further convince others of her instability, and led to me having an epiphany. I was a complete sociopath, and everybody around me was completely fucking stupid. But I did not care, because it was really funny and Weiss was soon put under state care.

Understandably, Ruby was distraught over the loss of her partner. I intended to lift her spirits with freshly baked cookies from my George Foreman grill. Her mood improved considerably, and my charm and charisma did the rest. I plowed her intensely while dressed in my Pepsiman costume (it increases my stamina). From then on, she was no longer Ruby Rose, just Ruby, for I had deflowered her.

Yang, and her partner, Blake, walked in and caught me red-dicked as I pulled out. Yang, being Ruby's older sister, was absolutely livid, until she saw the enormity of my shaft, which appeared even more large and appealing due to my Pepsiman costume. She approached and we copulated with great vigor. Using my Semblance to stop time, I melted the doorway shut with my George Foreman grill. With no way to exit, Blake and the entirety of Tumblr was forced to watch as Yang and I fulfilled our carnal desires, and the ferocity only increased as I put on the mask of Adam Taurus, who had died by my hand. I had ascended to a supreme state of being with the cursed mask adoring my visage, the holy Pepsiman Over Pepsi Heaven adoring my Pepsi body, and the Yang Xiao Long adoring my groin, and Blake gouged out her eyes in an Oedipusean fashion upon witnessing my joining with the one she loved and my moment of Overwhelming Splendor.

Finally, there was but one act left for me. I reported to the police that these depraved acts, performed at almost no monetary cost even, were occurring at Beacon Academy. The scandal over these dirty deeds done dirt cheap forced Ozpin to resign, and I became the new headmaster. This concludes the saga of Guanglai Kangyi.

To not be continued


End file.
